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Episode 8: "Exposure and Exposé"

Written for Ken Mendoza

COLD OPEN
INT. SAN FRANCISCO CITY HALL - PRESS ROOM - MORNING

STAN, KYLE, KENNY, and CARTMAN are setting up photography equipment in the back of a crowded press room. MAYOR McDOME is at a podium, flanked by several TECH EXECUTIVES in expensive suits. NEWS REPORTERS fill the front rows.

STAN
(adjusting his camera)
I can't believe we got hired to photograph a press conference. This is way more boring than weddings.
KYLE
At least it's steady work. The city pays $500 for official event photography.
CARTMAN
Plus, look at all these rich tech douchebags. I bet they'd pay extra for "premium executive portraits."
KENNY
(muffled)
Mmph mmmph mm mmmph! (Translation: This seems pretty routine to me!)

MAYOR McDOME taps the microphone.

MAYOR McDOME
Welcome, everyone! Today I'm proud to announce San Francisco's new "Tech Innovation Partnership" with several major companies!

The boys start taking photos as the press conference begins.

TECH EXECUTIVE 1
This partnership will bring thousands of jobs and millions in investment to the city!
NEWS REPORTER 1
What specific contracts are being awarded, and through what bidding process?
MAYOR McDOME
(nervously)
Well, that's... that's all handled through proper city procurement procedures...

Kenny, trying to get better angles, moves closer to the podium area. Through his telephoto lens, he notices something odd happening behind the podium.

KENNY
(muffled, excited)
Mmph! Mmmph mmmph! (Translation: Hey! Look at this!)

Kenny shows the other boys his camera screen. In the background of the shot, TECH EXECUTIVE 2 is clearly handing Mayor McDome an envelope stuffed with cash.

KYLE
(whispering)
Holy shit! Is that what I think it is?
STAN
(whispering)
That looks like a straight-up bribe!
CARTMAN
(whispering, excited)
Do you know what this means? We've got dirt on the mayor! We're rich!

BUTTERS suddenly appears behind them, carrying equipment.

BUTTERS
(loudly)
Fellas! I brought the extra memory cards! Oh golly, what are you all whispering about?
KYLE
(shushing him)
Butters! Keep your voice down!

Several people turn to look at them. Mayor McDome notices the commotion and looks nervous.

MAYOR McDOME
And... uh... that concludes today's announcement! Thank you all for coming!

The press conference ends abruptly. As people file out, the boys huddle around Kenny's camera.

KYLE
We need to do something with this photo. This is evidence of corruption!
CARTMAN
Yeah! We can blackmail them for millions!
STAN
We can't blackmail people, Cartman! But we should probably report this to someone.
KENNY
(muffled)
Mmph mmmph mmmph mm! (Translation: I think we're in over our heads!)

A SECURITY GUARD approaches them menacingly.

SECURITY GUARD
Boys, I'm going to need those cameras. City property, city photos.
KYLE
What? That's not how this works! We were hired to take these photos!
SECURITY GUARD
Plans changed. Hand them over.

The boys quickly pack up their equipment and run out of the building.

FADE TO:

EXPOSURE AND EXPOSÉ

ACT ONE
INT. STAN'S HOUSE - BASEMENT - LATER

The boys are huddled around Kyle's laptop, looking at the incriminating photos. The images clearly show money changing hands between tech executives and Mayor McDome.

KYLE
These photos are incredible evidence. Look at this one - you can actually see the serial numbers on the bills!
STAN
This is serious stuff. We accidentally uncovered a major corruption scandal.
CARTMAN
"Accidentally" nothing! This is the best thing that's ever happened to us! We can retire on blackmail money!
KYLE
We're not blackmailing anyone, fatass! This is about journalistic integrity! We have a duty to expose corruption!
CARTMAN
Screw journalistic integrity! I have a duty to get rich! Do you know how much politicians will pay to keep scandals quiet?
KENNY
(muffled)
Mmph mmmph mmmph mmm! (Translation: Maybe we should think about this carefully!)

RANDY bursts into the basement, carrying a camera covered in circuit boards and blinking lights.

RANDY
Boys! I heard you captured some kind of corruption at City Hall! My new camera can detect "scandal energy"!
STAN
Dad, how did you even hear about this? We just got home!
RANDY
Word travels fast in the photography community! Plus, my scandal detector has been going off all morning!

Randy points his camera at the laptop screen. It immediately starts beeping frantically.

RANDY
Holy crap! This photo is radiating massive corruption energy! Like, Nixon-level scandal vibes!
KYLE
See? Even Dad's crazy camera knows this is a big deal!
BUTTERS
(appearing suddenly)
Fellas! Fellas! Some scary men in suits just came to my house asking about photos! My mom told them I was at soccer practice, but I don't play soccer!
STAN
They're already tracking us down? How did they find out so fast?
CARTMAN
This is perfect! If they want the photos badly enough to send goons, imagine how much they'll pay to keep them secret!

PC PRINCIPAL suddenly appears in the basement doorway.

PC PRINCIPAL
Bros! I heard you might have some ethically significant photojournalism situations happening down here!
KYLE
PC Principal? How did you get in our house?
PC PRINCIPAL
Your mom let me in! I'm the new City Ethics Coordinator, and I need to make sure any corruption documentation follows proper whistleblower protocols!
CARTMAN
Great! Another adult trying to stop us from getting rich!
PC PRINCIPAL
This isn't about money, bro! This is about responsible journalism and protecting democratic institutions!
STAN
Actually, that's exactly what Kyle has been saying.
KYLE
We need to release these photos to the press. The public has a right to know about government corruption!
CARTMAN
The public has a right to stay out of my business! This is our golden ticket!

The GHOST OF DIANE FEINSTEIN materializes in the corner of the basement.

GHOST OF FEINSTEIN
Boys, you've stumbled upon something that goes deeper than you realize. City Hall corruption isn't new - it's been happening for decades!
BUTTERS
Oh hamburgers! A ghost! Should I be scared or excited?
GHOST OF FEINSTEIN
The dome is 42 feet taller than the U.S. Capitol dome because the extra height was funded by bribes and kickbacks! It's been a symbol of corruption disguised as civic pride!
RANDY
That explains the scandal energy readings! The dome has been amplifying corruption vibes for over a century!
KYLE
This just proves we need to expose everything! If corruption has been going on for decades, it's even more important to stop it!
CARTMAN
Or it proves that corruption is so normal we should just profit from it like everyone else!

Kenny is taking additional photos of the ghost when his flash suddenly malfunctions, creating a blinding strobe effect.

KENNY
(muffled)
Mmph mmmph MMMMPH! (Translation: Oh shit, the flash is stuck!)

The malfunctioning flash attracts the attention of people outside. Through the window, they can see BLACK SUVS pulling up to the house.

STAN
Guys, I think we need to get out of here. NOW.
CUT TO:
EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

The boys sneak out the back door as TECH COMPANY SECURITY PERSONNEL surround the house. They're all carrying advanced surveillance equipment.

KYLE
(whispering)
We need to get these photos to a newspaper or TV station!
CARTMAN
(whispering)
We need to negotiate a price before we do anything stupid like "helping democracy"!
KENNY
(muffled)
Mmph mmmph mmmph! (Translation: They're following us!)

Several security guards spot them and give chase. The boys run toward City Hall.

BUTTERS
(running)
Why are we running toward the place where the corruption is happening?
STAN
Because it's the last place they'll expect us to go!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
INT. CITY HALL - ROTUNDA - DAY

The boys burst into City Hall, out of breath. MAYOR McDOME is in the rotunda, pacing nervously and talking on her phone.

MAYOR McDOME
(into phone)
I don't care what it costs! Find those kids and get those photos! My political career depends on it!

She notices the boys and hangs up quickly.

MAYOR McDOME
(fake cheerful)
Boys! What a nice surprise! I hope you got some good photos at the press conference!
KYLE
We got some very interesting photos, Mayor McDome.
CARTMAN
Interesting enough that certain people might pay a lot of money to... not see them published.
MAYOR McDOME
(nervous)
I'm not sure I understand what you're implying...
STAN
We're implying that we have photos of you taking bribes from tech executives.
MAYOR McDOME
(panicking)
Bribes? That's ridiculous! Those were... campaign contributions! Perfectly legal campaign contributions!
KYLE
Campaign contributions in unmarked envelopes, handed over during a press conference about awarding city contracts?
CARTMAN
Look, lady, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Easy way: you pay us a reasonable fee to keep these photos private. Hard way: we sell them to the highest bidder.
KENNY
(muffled)
Mmph mmmph mmmph! (Translation: I don't like where this is going!)

TECH EXECUTIVE 1 emerges from behind a pillar, having been eavesdropping.

TECH EXECUTIVE 1
Actually, boys, I think we can come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. How does $50,000 sound?
CARTMAN
(eyes lighting up)
Now you're speaking my language!
KYLE
No! We're not taking bribe money! We're journalists! We have ethical obligations!
CARTMAN
We're fourth-graders with cameras, Kyle! We don't have ethical obligations! We have financial opportunities!

PC PRINCIPAL appears, having followed them to City Hall.

PC PRINCIPAL
Actually, bros, as soon as you started documenting public corruption, you became citizen journalists with serious ethical responsibilities!
TECH EXECUTIVE 1
$100,000. Final offer.
CARTMAN
SOLD!
KYLE
NOT SOLD! These photos need to be released to the public!

While the adults argue, Kenny sneaks away to take more photos of the bribery negotiation happening right in front of them.

KENNY
(muffled, to himself)
Mmph mmmph mmmph mmmph... (Translation: This is getting even worse...)

Suddenly, a TECH COMPANY SECURITY TEAM bursts into the rotunda, heavily armed and wearing tactical gear.

SECURITY CHIEF
Nobody move! We're here to confiscate evidence of industrial espionage!
STAN
Industrial espionage? We were just taking photos at a public press conference!
SECURITY CHIEF
Any unauthorized documentation of business negotiations is considered corporate espionage under the Tech Protection Act!
KYLE
The Tech Protection Act isn't a real law!
MAYOR McDOME
Actually, I signed it into law this morning. Retroactively.
PC PRINCIPAL
You can't retroactively criminalize journalism!

Kenny, still taking photos, gets too close to the security team. One of them notices him.

SECURITY GUARD 1
The kid with the camera! He's still documenting!
KENNY
(muffled)
Mmph mmmph! (Translation: Oh shit!)

The security guard tackles Kenny, and in the struggle, Kenny's camera goes flying. It crashes into a marble pillar and explodes, sending shrapnel everywhere.

KENNY
(muffled scream)
MMMMMPPPPHHHHH! (Translation: NOT THE CAMERA!)

A large piece of camera shrapnel lodges in Kenny's chest, and he collapses.

STAN
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!
CARTMAN
And you destroyed a $2,000 camera! That's coming out of our payment!

BUTTERS, who has been hiding behind a pillar, accidentally knocks over a display case containing historical documents.

BUTTERS
Oh hamburgers! I'm sorry! I was just trying to hide!

The scattered documents include decades of corruption records, bribery receipts, and scandal photos.

GHOST OF FEINSTEIN
(appearing)
Butters just uncovered the secret archive! Those documents prove that corruption has been systematic for decades!
PC PRINCIPAL
This is bigger than one photo! This is a comprehensive pattern of municipal corruption!
TECH EXECUTIVE 1
$500,000 for all of it! Photos, documents, everything!
CARTMAN
NOW we're talking!
KYLE
Are you insane? This proves that our entire city government is corrupt! We have to expose this!
CUT TO:
ACT THREE
INT. CITY HALL - ROTUNDA - CONTINUOUS

The rotunda is in chaos. Security guards are trying to collect documents, politicians are arguing, and the boys are caught in the middle. Kenny is somehow alive again, dusting himself off.

KYLE
We need to get these documents and photos to every news outlet in the city! This corruption has to be exposed!
CARTMAN
Or we could retire early and buy our own news outlet! Think big, Kyle!
STAN
Guys, I think Kyle is right. This is bigger than money. This is about democracy and accountability.

RANDY appears, his scandal-detection camera now glowing and smoking.

RANDY
Boys! The corruption energy in this building is off the charts! My camera can't handle this much scandal!

Randy's camera explodes, showering everyone in sparks and revealing even more hidden documents that were apparently stored in the walls.

GHOST OF FEINSTEIN
The dome's corruption energy is so concentrated that it's literally breaking through the walls! The building itself wants this exposed!
MAYOR McDOME
(desperately)
$1 million! I'll pay you boys $1 million to walk away and forget everything you've seen!
CARTMAN
Deal! Where do I sign?
KYLE
NO DEAL! This information belongs to the public!

Kyle grabs as many documents as he can and runs toward the exit. Stan follows him.

STAN
Kyle's right! Some things are more important than money!
CARTMAN
Name one!

The security team chases Kyle and Stan. Kenny and Cartman are left behind with all the adults.

TECH EXECUTIVE 1
Stop them! They can't be allowed to leak this information!
KENNY
(muffled)
Mmph mmmph mmmph! (Translation: I'll help them escape!)

Kenny starts taking photos of everyone present, creating evidence of the cover-up attempt. A security guard tries to stop him.

SECURITY GUARD 2
The kid with the camera is still documenting! Take him down!

Multiple security guards tackle Kenny. In the struggle, he's pushed toward the rotunda's edge and falls over the railing.

KENNY
(muffled, falling)
MMMMMMPPPPPHHHHHH! (Translation: THIS IS FOR JOURNALISM!)

Kenny crashes into a marble statue of a corrupt historical figure, which topples over and crushes him.

BUTTERS
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
CARTMAN
You bastards! And right when we were about to get rich!
EXT. CITY HALL - CONTINUOUS

Kyle and Stan burst out of the building, carrying armfuls of incriminating documents. They're being chased by security guards.

KYLE
We need to get to a news station! Channel 7 is just two blocks away!
STAN
Those security guards are gaining on us!

A NEWS VAN pulls up beside them. The side door opens to reveal a FEMALE REPORTER.

REPORTER
Are you the kids with the corruption photos? Get in! I'm Sarah Martinez from Channel 7 News!

Kyle and Stan jump into the van just as the security guards reach them.

INT. NEWS VAN - CONTINUOUS
REPORTER
We heard about this from our sources at City Hall. You boys may have just uncovered the biggest municipal corruption scandal in San Francisco history!
KYLE
We have photos, documents, everything! The mayor was taking bribes right in front of everyone!
STAN
And it's been going on for decades! There are records going back to the 1960s!
REPORTER
This is Pulitzer Prize material! We need to get this on the air immediately!
CUT TO:
ACT FOUR
INT. CHANNEL 7 NEWS STUDIO - EVENING

Kyle and Stan are sitting with the REPORTER as she presents their evidence on the evening news. The photos and documents are displayed on screen.

REPORTER
(on air)
Good evening. Tonight, Channel 7 News has exclusive evidence of widespread corruption in San Francisco City Hall, thanks to two young photographers who accidentally captured history in the making.

The incriminating photos are shown on screen, clearly depicting the bribery.

KYLE
(on air)
We were just doing our job as photographers when we saw something that clearly wasn't right. We felt we had a responsibility to the public.
STAN
(on air)
Sometimes doing the right thing is more important than making money.
INT. CITY HALL - ROTUNDA - SAME TIME

Cartman is still in the rotunda with the adults, all watching the news broadcast on a large screen. Kenny is alive again, somehow freed from under the statue.

CARTMAN
(watching TV)
Those idiots! They gave away a million dollars to be on TV for five minutes!
MAYOR McDOME
(panicking)
My career is over! I'll be lucky if I don't go to prison!
TECH EXECUTIVE 1
The stock prices are already dropping! This is a disaster!
PC PRINCIPAL
This is what happens when corruption meets citizen journalism! Democracy in action, bros!
GHOST OF FEINSTEIN
(appearing)
Finally! The dome's corruption energy is dissipating! For the first time in decades, City Hall might actually serve the people!
RANDY
(with a new camera)
My new honesty-detection camera confirms it! The building's ethical energy is increasing exponentially!

The FBI suddenly storms into the rotunda.

FBI AGENT
Mayor McDome, you're under arrest for conspiracy, bribery, and corruption of public office!
MAYOR McDOME
This is all a misunderstanding! Those photos are... digitally altered!
CARTMAN
Actually, they're not. We take very high-quality, authentic photos. It's what we do.
KENNY
(muffled)
Mmph mmmph mmmph! (Translation: Justice is served!)
EXT. CITY HALL - LATER THAT NIGHT

The boys are packing up their equipment as news crews film the arrests. Mayor McDome and several tech executives are being led away in handcuffs.

KYLE
I can't believe we actually exposed a major corruption scandal.
STAN
It feels good to do something that actually matters, you know?
CARTMAN
It would feel better if we had done it for a million dollars, but whatever.
KENNY
(muffled)
Mmph mmmph mmmph mmm! (Translation: At least I only died twice today!)
BUTTERS
Do you think things will actually change now that the corruption is exposed?

The INTERIM MAYOR approaches them - it's PC Principal, now wearing a mayoral sash.

PC PRINCIPAL
Boys, as the new interim mayor, I want to officially thank you for your service to democracy and ethical journalism!
KYLE
You're the new mayor?
PC PRINCIPAL
Temporarily! Until we can hold proper elections with full transparency and ethical oversight!
CARTMAN
Great. Now we'll have ethical oversight of our photography business too.
STAN
You know what? I've learned something today. Sometimes the most important photos aren't the ones that make you money - they're the ones that make a difference.
KYLE
And journalism isn't just about taking pictures. It's about having the courage to show the truth, even when it's inconvenient.
CARTMAN
I've learned that next time we accidentally uncover corruption, I'm keeping my mouth shut until we negotiate a better deal.
KENNY
(muffled)
Mmph mmmph mmmph mmmph! (Translation: And I've learned to stay away from security guards!)
BUTTERS
I learned that sometimes knocking things over accidentally can actually help democracy!

Randy appears with yet another modified camera.

RANDY
Boys! My new camera can detect future corruption before it happens! We could prevent scandals instead of just documenting them!
STAN
Dad, that sounds like it could go really wrong really fast.
RANDY
What could go wrong with pre-crime corruption detection?

Randy's camera immediately starts beeping and pointing at a HOT DOG VENDOR who is clearly shortchanging customers.

RANDY
See? It works!
KYLE
Okay, maybe that's actually not such a bad idea.
TAG
INT. KENNY'S HOUSE - KENNY'S ROOM - ONE WEEK LATER

Kenny is looking at a newspaper with the headline "CITY HALL CORRUPTION EXPOSED BY FOURTH GRADE PHOTOGRAPHERS." There's a photo of all four boys on the front page.

KENNY
(unmuffled, to himself)
You know, getting killed twice in one day was totally worth it to help expose corruption. Plus, now I'm famous for something other than dying.

Kenny's phone rings. It's Kyle.

KYLE
(voice, over phone)
Kenny! Turn on Channel 7! There's a follow-up story about more corruption they found in other city departments!
KENNY
Really? Our photos started a whole investigation?
KYLE
(voice, over phone)
Yeah! And get this - they want to hire us as official corruption detection photographers for the new ethical government task force!
KENNY
That sounds dangerous. How much does it pay?
KYLE
(voice, over phone)
$1000 per corruption case we help expose!
KENNY
I'm in! What's the worst that could happen?

Kenny turns on the TV to see a news report about corruption in the Parks Department, featuring a photo of bribes being exchanged in front of a statue... the same statue that killed Kenny earlier.

KENNY
(sighing)
I really need to invest in better life insurance.
FADE OUT.
THE END
EPISODE 8: EXPOSURE AND EXPOSÉ
Created for Ken Mendoza - Part of the South Park creative project